Tuesday, June 25, 2024
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Issues with the father

Fatwaa ID: 1568

Question:
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

1.) My father insists that I say Salam whenever I see him. He goes to the point that if I said Salam to him in one room and 5 minutes later he sees me in another room he will have us say Salam to him. Also, this isn’t to get me in the habit of saying Salam because I am already 18 years old and personally I know I say Salam to everyone I meet. Often times he starts getting angry and starts yelling at my mom about not having done our tarbiyah correctly and then diverges into other things he can yell at.

Is he correct in that I should say Salam that often? Is there a proper way, amount to say Salam?

2.) My father also has anger issues, likes to play mind/ phycological games in the sense that he questions in ways that even though I know I am correct he will make it in a way that makes me feel ashamed and raises him up. And although undiagnosed I can confidently say that he has Narcissistic personality disorder. Recently he has also started to show slight signs of memory loss.

Adding all of this up, it makes it somewhat difficult to live because i have to be at guard at all times thinking what I should be doing in case he comes into my room, often times I have to hide facts and lie about simple things to keep the peace. And most of the times after he finishes blowing up on me he starts yelling at my mom. He also thinks that my mom fills our heads with hate against him which is completely untrue. When I was about 14-15 it got so bad that for about a year i got severely depressed and used to cry myself to sleep every night, listen to depressing music, miss my Salah constantly, and resorted to other haram habits to take the edge off a little. Alhamdulillah by the infinite grace and mercy of Allah i have stopped listening to music, have started praying my Salah on time, have come out of my depression. At the moment I am trying to keep a clear mind and not take on any worries so I do everything he says without asking twice.

I can’t move out for another 5 years atleast so what things can I do that’ll help me better deal with how he acts?

What can I do to de-escalate myself when I get upset at what he says?

What can I do to get out of the few remaining bad habits ive developed as a result of that time?

I have developed an addiction and I know it is haram but I am trying to stop it but I keep returning to it after every few days. Is there anything I can do to help me stop? Will asking for forgiveness even work because of the amount of times i’ve done it?

Answer:
In the Name of Allaah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
As-salaamu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullaahi wa-barakaatuh.

May Allaah Ta’aala bless your honorable father with khayr and ‘aafiyah. May He mend your relations with him and make it harmonious and loving.

  1. Salaam is a du’aa. Salaam is a phrase that brings about blessings, peace and love. The illustrious Sahaabah (R) would frequently greet each other with the Salaam. Consider the following hadith,
    ‏إذا لقي أحدكم أخاه، فليسلم عليه، فإن حالت بينهما شجرة، أو جدار، أو حجر، ثم لقيه، فليسلم عليه‏
    “When one of you meets his brother (in islam), he should greet him. Then if a tree or a wall or a stone intervenes between them and then he meets him again, he should greet him (again).” [Abu Dawood]

Your father is perhaps trying to bring the above into practice. You should comply with that and intend thereby bringing about peace. Remember, you are not losing anything. There is only good in it for you. For giving the Salaam, you get 10-40 rewards. This is aside from the reward you get for obeying and pleasing your father.

  1. Shari’ah has emphasized and placed great importance on treating the parents well and being dutiful to them. This is an obligation that comes after tawheed. It is haraam and a major sin to treat them disrespectfully and/or harshly. Even if the parents are wrong, then too it is necessary to deal with them honorably and respectfully.

Rasulullaah ﷺ said regarding the father,

رِضَى الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَى الوَالِدِ، وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ
“The pleasure of the Lord is in the pleasure of the parents, and the displeasure of the Lord is in the displeasure of the father.” [Tirmidhi 1899]

He ﷺ also said,

الوالد أوسط أبواب الجنة فأضع ذلك الباب أو احفظه
“The father is the middle door of Jannah. So (the choice is yours) either discard that door (by disrespecting your father) or protect it (by honoring and obeying him).” [Ibn Maajah 3663]

He ﷺ also said in regards to disobedience of the parents,

لعن الله العاق لوالديه
“May Allaah curse the one who is disobedient to his parents.” [Haakim 7254]

In regards to punishment, he ﷺ said,

كل الذنوب يؤخر الله ما شاء منها إلى يوم القيامة إلا عقوق الوالدين فإن الله تعالى يعجله لصاحبه في الحياة قبل الممات
“Allaah may delay the punishment of all sins as He wishes until the Day of Judgment except showing disrespect to one’s parents; for indeed Allaah will hasten the punishment of that sin to its perpetrator prior to his death.” [Haakim 7263]

We take note of the details of your query. May Allaah Ta’aala make it easy. Look for excuses for your father. He is elderly and such attitude often comes with age. Avoid confronting and arguing with him. Try to serve him and please him to the best of your abilities. Don’t take to heart when he tells you off. Understand it as his way of expressing love for you. He wants you to be better. Also, understand that there may be a clash of cultures and generations.

Make du’aa for him. We advise that you start daily ta’leem together with the family. Read about Nabi ﷺ, his life and manners. This will affect the listeners and perhaps bring about unity and mercy. Try to do small things for him. Try to do things with him. Win him over with your good manners. Make your purpose the pleasure of Allaah Ta’aala.

  1. Your exact addiction is not clear. However, this may be helpful. https://askthemufti.us/vow-to-stay-away-from-sins/

And Allaah Ta’aala knows best.
Mufti Muajul I. Chowdhury
Darul Iftaa New York

https://askthemufti.us/

01/13/1445 AH – 07/31/2023 CE | 490

وصل اللهم وسلم وبارك على سيدنا محمد وعلى ءاله وصحبه أجمعين

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